boston cream puff

DC you later

Okay, so last post, I mentioned how wonderful all the interviews were, except for the last one, for which I was not caffeinated enough. After all those were over came the panel, the session I organized on Buddhist monks and nuns as family members. I was so panicked at the thought of presenting a paper in front of people that I, completely rationally, didn't finish the paper until the week before I left. It didn't suck, but finishing that late left me no time to read it over and over again out loud until I got used to the feel of speaking it. I thus walked into the room unsure of what I was actually going to be saying -- never a good feeling. The last time I presented at the AAR, I was also a wreck, but there weren't many people I knew in the audience, so it didn't matter all that much. This time, I looked out at the audience and it was full of people whose books I've read. Impressive scholars of Tibetan, Indian, Chinese and Japanese Buddhism were sitting there, waiting to hear our presentations. Many of them didn't know me, but some of them did, and it was a huge relief to see their friendly faces.

Shayne went first, and his paper was great. He writes presentations -- scripts to be read-- so it was not the dull reading of a paper that every conference attendee dreads. The content was fantastic as well. I was next and I had a tough act to follow. So I got up, in my suit, wearing makeup and contact lenses (and thus unrecognizable to most of my friends), and went to the podium. I brought my cell phone to use as a timer and set it down on the podium. I adjusted my papers and looked out at all those people.

Since I started grad school, I have spent most of my time trying to be invisible, trying to fly under people's radars so that I can sneak through without anyone finding out what a fraud I am. I know perfectly well that this is irrational, but it is so deep rooted that just telling myself it's irrational doesn't help. I try to live with this fear of being found out and to do things anyway, but the impulse to hide is hard to curb.

Yet, I propelled myself up to that podium starting a couple of summers ago when I talked to Shayne and Lori about doing this panel because the only way not to let this fear cripple my life is to commit myself to stuff that will get me out there. To bite off more than I can chew, publicly and obviously. All the time I was in Japan doing research, I thought "I can't do this. I've bitten off more than I can chew. I'm going to fail." But the thing is if I hadn't taken on more than I could handle, I wouldn't ever have done it. If I had waited to be "ready" to go to Japan to do research, I would never have gone.

So I stood at the podium and talked. My voice shook. I mispronounced someone's name in the first sentence. I kept getting scared by the microphone feedback. I lost my train of thought in the middle. I delivered an unpolished paper. But I did it. In front of people I want to impress. Beside people I want to impress. I communicated ideas that are important to me. And the thought of it made me cry in the bathroom afterwards and still makes me want to cry a little.

My paper was not perfect. It was not even great. But it was mine. For all that makeup and eye correction and suitage, I was naked on that podium. It doesn't even matter what people thought of it. I am out there. I am a member of the Buddhist studies community. I am a person with ideas.

posted by Gina @ 2:07 PM